On the Sidelines
by Xaegha
Summary: He sits on the sidelines and watches the world. A sort of Hawkes introspective. Small spoilers from season 3 and 4. Filled with his point of view, and his unrequited love.


Never in my wildest dreams (maybe in my wildest) would I think that I would be writing a Lindsay/Hawkes fic

**Never in my wildest dreams (maybe in my wildest) would I think that I would be writing a Lindsay/Hawkes fic. What would the pairing even be called? Eh, whatever, I'm writing one as it is. Spoilers for, and based off of 4.20 "Taxi." Somewhat of an introspective on Hawkes. He's slightly OOC based on the unrequited love he has. Mentions of DL.**

**Don't own CSI NY or any of the characters. Except for Rhiana, who is barely mentioned in this story. She's my little creation.**

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He always was on the sidelines. Of everything. Always watching, never involved. The guy who didn't fit in at any particular area. A surgeon – couldn't handle being the last person they might see alive while the others seemed fine with it. An ME – didn't like getting to only handle the bodies and nothing else. He wanted action. He wanted to see some form of life. The others there didn't mind that they saw more dead people than alive. A CSI – still in the doctor's frame of mind. He converted back to his old ways, and went straight to the body. They were somewhat welcoming, though. And he had gotten the action he wanted. But nowhere was he ever really involved, and nowhere did most of his coworkers really try to reach out to him. Mac did, sure, but he was his boss. It was his job to make sure the employee was doing what he should, and was doing alright. Only one other person did. And she completely changed his life.

"_What do we got, Montana?"_

It wasn't a mistake that it had slipped out. Sheldon Hawkes rarely made slip of the tongue mistakes. In fact, he could count on one hand the amount of times he had said something completely idiotic to another person, let alone one of his best friends. No, Hawkes meant to say Montana, because he knew it meant something to her. It could make her feel better, or it could make her feel worse – complete toss up. He gave it the benefit of the doubt, and thought it would make her feel better, and went for it. Because that's what he does. Put his feelings on hold for the feelings and welfare of another.

He was the poster boy for 'nice guys finish last.'

In the relationship department, at least.

The day he saw Lindsay in the lab for the first time, he knew there was something special about her. The way that she carried herself, the way that she cared for anything and everyone, the way she lit up the lab with one smile... It was so un – New York, and he liked it. A lot. But Danny Messer did as well. Made it blaringly obvious that she was his territory. No one else could touch her. Danny Messer always got what Danny Messer wanted. And there was no way that she would chose someone else over Danny. Not a chance. He was the office hottie, the Italian Stallion. One of the lab techs called him a walking sex god. Him taking interest in a small town country girl wasn't normal. She knew he was special.

So he subjected himself (bad choice of words. It was an honor) to be her friend. Only her friend.

For almost three whole years, he kept the feelings at bay, he kept his thoughts hidden, and the only slip of emotions was when she was bitten by the snake. Scared him half to death. But luckily, he was able to portray it as friendly worry, and a doctor trying to save a patient. Internally he had sworn that he would make sure that she was alright. Even though there was no reciprocated feelings, he had too. He was falling in love with her.

But she was falling for Danny, and he was powerless to stop it. It was inevitable. Dantana. M&M. DL. The lab had all sorts of names for their relationship. What would their's be called? Hindsay? Lawkes? He personally liked Beauty and the Geek. But none seemed to fit what they had going on. Or what they could ever have.

So he sat on the sidelines. And watched. Watched as the inevitable happened – Danny and Lindsay finally being in a committed relationship. It was written in the stars... Or so it seemed. But whatever the dysfunctional like (he didn't see too much love on Danny's part) they had for each other made her happy, and to see her happy was all he ever wanted.

But sitting on the sidelines was difficult for him this time around, especially months later as he witnessed the downfall of M&M. He had been a passerby in the hallway when she said she was in love with him, but she needed to let that go. She looked so broken... Well, on the inside she did. The outside was a tough, no nonsense taking defense. Not even the strongest football player could get through if she didn't want them to. No one saw the real Lindsay. Except for four people. One who had broken her heart (Danny. The cheater. The two faced rat bastard.), the best friend who was one of the dead (Marty. He wasn't really dead. But he fit in more down with the bodies than with anyone else.), the other best friend (Rhiana. Girls have to stick together in these situations.) and the in between (Hawkes. Stuck somewhere in the middle of wanting to love her, and wanting her to be with the one she loved. Danny.)

When she came to him, tears welled up in her eyes, he knew what he had to do. Danny would pay if it was the last thing he did, and Lindsay would get back what she wanted. He gathered up his allies – Marty, Rhiana, and Stella. Stella was the mother hen of the group, and didn't tolerate any form of betrayal towards the team, whether it was a civilian or another coworker. The four hatched a plan – Marty would try to get as much information from her as he could, Rhiana would take her for some retail therapy, Stella would beat the crap out of Danny, and he would do whatever it would take to make her happy. Whether it be dating him, dating Danny, dating Marty (weird thought. But feasible. They were closer than most.) or not dating anyone at all.

In his heart, he knew it was Danny she would want. It would always be him. So that's why he called her Montana. It wasn't a slip. It was to give the subtle reminders of the good memories she had shared with Danny. Show her that Messer wasn't as much of a bastard as he seemed (even though it was most likely true how bad he was considering the fact he was a cheating, lying piece of trash.) now, but that he was a good, if not idiotic at some points, guy.

The plan went off without a hitch. Marty extracted the information to give to the rest of the crew, Rhiana maxed out both her and Lindsay's credit cards, Stella 'knocked' some sense into Danny, and his part... Well, in a little less than a month as he was strolling to her office to escort her out to the traditional lunch with him and the group, he stopped short of the door, and thanked (but also cursed. It wasn't something he wanted to see) the Lord for the lab having glass walls. They were kissing, and as they broke apart, he could see the smile beneath the tear tracks. Mission accomplished. Dantana was once more.

And everything was back to where it had started.

He was back to loving her from afar, always out of sight, but always there if she needed someone. Back to the limited time he could spend with her – only at the lab, and only if they were on the same case. Back to watching her silently.

Back to the sidelines.

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**Please review. Only takes a second of your time, and it's been a while since I've written a New York piece, and the first time I've ever written something that deals almost entirely with Hawkes. Not sure how in character he is for being slightly OOC. If that made any sense at all.**


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